Lighten Up – Leaves and Laughing

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone —

What happens when you cross a turkey with a centipede?  Everyone gets a leg at Thanksgiving

There’s 3 types of people in the world – those that are good in math and those that aren’t.

I wrote my letter to Santa Claus and asked for a fat wallet and a skinny body and then also stated, and please try not to confuse the two like last year.

 A wife asked her husband to go to the store and buy a carton of milk and she added, if they have avocados get six.   So when husband came home he had six cartons of milk and his wife asked why in the world did he buy six cartons of milk and he replied, because they had avocados.

Thinking she had possibly not heard me the first time, I decided to ask again. “How much time is the wait for a table?”

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said “About ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.”

A short time later, I heard an announcement over the intercom system, “Willette B. Long… Willette B. Long, your table is ready.”

An 84-year-old man was fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake, and he heard a voice – “pick me up”  and looking all around he did not see anything – then a few moments later came the voice, “pick me up” and the man looked down and saw a frog in the water and the frog said, “pick me up and kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful young lady and become your wife”  so the man picked up the frog and put it in his shirt pocket, and the frog said, ” Are you deaf, I said if you pick me up and kiss me I will turn into a beautiful young lady and will become your wife.”  But the man replied, ” at 84 I don’t really want or need a wife, but a talking frog – now that is something I can use.”  

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over
tea.

“I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly
nervous.”

“My Billy used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied.
“But I broke him of the habit.”

“How?”

“I hid his teeth.”

What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep?  A Roman Catholic

Did you hear about the farmer who took a milk bath every Saturday evening?  One of his neighbors asked him if it was pasteurized, and he said, no just past my navel.

Sign on a Convent Fence – ‘Positively no trespassing, violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law”  Signed the Sisters of Mercy. 

Sign in a hotel lobby, “clairvoyant society canceled due to unforseen circumstances.”

What do you get when you cross 50 pigs and 50 deer?  A hundred sows and bucks.

Do dogs go to heaven?  Probably, because I don’t think there are any fire hydrants in the other place.

I am currently on two diets, yeah, I can’t enough to eat on one diet.  Actually I tried to go on a diet, but I just had too much on my plate.

What do you call the water in the morning that appears on a Yucca Plant”  Yucca Dew.

True ones:  one day I said to my wife, Diane, I can’t tell you how much I love you – she replied, why, is it a secret?

One time a friend saw me and said, Hey guy, I responded, I’m not a prophet

Another time, “someone told me that I was a real fun guy – I responded by saying, isn’t fungi plural for fungus”

At the church I was on staff at in Texas we would take turns leading chapel for our pre-school and at the conclusion of the chapels, the kids would sing Shalom my friend, and then wave and say – Shalom – well one little boy waved at me and shouted, “Shamu”

Then at another chapel I was sharing about Jesus and the devil and I asked who they thought was God’s number one enemy and one little boy pointed at me and said, “you are” – that was not the revelation I was looking for.

At that same church we had a praying home group that saw many answers to prayer, and I heard that a lady in our congregation was trying to have a baby, so I encouraged our group to pray, but she confronted me one day and asked us to stop praying because with six children, they did not want anymore and she told me my information was wrong – so I agreed to let our home group know.  Then six weeks later as I was greeting the congregation as they exited the  building, and there was probably about 200 people in the foyer, this lady came up to me and pointed her finger at me and shouted, “I’m pregnant, and it’s all your fault”  It wasn’t funny at the time, because I had to explain to everyone what had happened, but now looking back, I get a kick out of it.

I made these up – where is James Bond in the bible – Luke 6:38 “give and it shall be given back to you, pressed down and shaken together, not stirred.” 

also – I am going to invent a smaller version of the Hummer and call it the Humdinger. 

I think Starbucks should come up with a value meal and combine a wrap sandwich with a frappuccino and call it a Frap and Wrap. 

I have a tie that is filled with colors and designs and kind of messes with you eyes – and when I wear it I always say that it is a biblical tie – yeah, Blessed be the tie that blinds. 

And finally, what would a good slogan be to buy the new VW Beetle – just say it is as cute as a bug. 

 

More coming another day – Have a great holiday everyone!